Baby Step Faith

I have more questions than answers, less confidence than doubt

I’ve let pride become a cancer; eating me alive from the inside out

I’ve used love as a lie, lust as a crutch

Taken all I could and not given that much

I’ve hidden behind smiles pretending to be okay

A man with his sins and his baby step faith

I’ve been more selfish than selfless, less of Him and more of me

I’ve made a mockery of being well blessed, by doing whatever I damned well pleased

I’ve played trust as a game, lies as the truth

Begged for a sign and then smirked at the proof

I’ve taken advantage and left nothing but pain

A man with his wounds and his baby step faith

But He’s had more redemption than vengeance, less anger than grace

Seen my future through eyes of patience, wooing me and whispering my name

He’s used sin as a rudder, fear as a wheel

Steering me to the place where He heals

He’s cast from me my burdens, forgiven my mistakes

Made me a man with His love and His baby step faith

I love you guys!! Until next time, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep moving forward.  Even in the dark.  He sees you.  He is speaking.  He is good.

Matty

In a conversation with my dad recently he reminded me of the story of Cortez burning his fleet of ships so that he and his men had no chance of retreat, no chance to run back to where they had come from.  That is the first reason I chose this word and the first thing I am doing in 2012.  I am burning the ships of not only 2011, but the ships of all my past.  Today I am allowing the Father to begin the process of burning away my lust for acceptance, my silly need for people’s attention, my addiction to pleasing others, my sinful act of operating under the influence of my peer’s opinions.  I am letting Him burn the ships of guilt, shame, pressure, the feeling of not being enough.  The ships of regret, of pride, of survival.  I am allowing him to burn them because I don’t need them anymore.  Not where I am going.

I also chose the word burn for 2012 because that is what I desperately want to do. I want to burn brightly in my walk.  I want people to be drawn to the Jesus inside of me.  I want His love, peace, comfort, forgiveness, and grace to be blinding.  I want to burn as a dangerous man.  I want to burn brightly so that I can lead people to the holiest of places.  I want to burn brightly so I can be a voice for people that don’t know how to say what is on their minds and hearts.  I will burn brightly this year with the flames of passion, desires, dreams, future, friendships, love, forgiveness, grace, and most of all my walk with my Father.  I will not retreat.  I will not run.  I will not turn around.  I am burning my ships and will walk into the rest of my life with a heart on fire.

I am praying for all of you in this new year.  I love you guys.

Most of us know the story of Noah found in Genesis chapters 6-8.  The Lord spoke to him and told him to build an ark and fill it with 2 of every living thing and with his family because He was going to bring a flood to destroy the evil living in the land.  So, “Noah did everything just as God commanded him.”(multiple times in these 3 chapters) Sure enough, the rains came for 40 days and 40 nights and Noah, his family, and all the animals they brought on board the ark were the only ones to survive the flood.  The story goes on to speak of the earth drying out(after over a year) and God giving Noah the promise of never flooding the earth again through a rainbow and “by his faith..became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.”

I know this a very short version of the story, but its the practicality of the story even today that I want to speak more on.  In my opinion, the Lord is still calling us to build arks.  Not big 450 foot long ones built out of cypress wood, but I believe that all of us know what He is calling us to build spiritually, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.  A close friend and I were talking sometime back about his frustration in the music business and not getting the opportunity to be an artist.  He shared his concerns with me and I told him to “build his ark.”  You see, this friend is one of the most talented individuals I have ever been around..period. Songwriting, playing guitar, and singing. His is just a stud.  But, he has his doubters, and his doubts.  Much like it must have been when Noah was building his ark.  People had to have ridiculed him and called him names, and of course doubted him and thought he was crazy.  However, despite even his own probable doubts, Noah still chose to obey the calling on his life and we can thank him for still being alive if you believe the Bible to be true.  I am not saying that my buddy’s music is going to save the world from a flood.  I am not saying that what you feel like He is calling you to build is or ever will be easy.  What I am saying though is build your ark.  I have been building one of mine over the past few months.  Something that I have felt Him speaking to me for the past year and was scared and doubtful and hesitant to go through with.  I know from the outside looking in to some people it seems silly and they don’t understand it but you know what?  I have learned so much about myself and who I am called to be and who He says I am and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.  Sometimes, we have to dig in our heels and be stubborn and fight for what we believe He is speaking to us, even if it means losing relationships or possessions or time or money.

I have said all of this to say that I encourage you to build your ark as I continue to build mine.  I want to be “an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.”  I know its hard.  I know it seems daunting.  I know that people on the outside looking in will think you are a lunatic.  But, He is not asking you to build an ark for the heck of it.  Floods always come.  Good ones and bad ones, and when my floods come, and when your floods come, our arks will be built and they will take us safely to dry land again, wherever that may be.  Dig in your heels.  Obey.  Be stubborn.  Do whatever it is you have to do to build your ark.  Do what He is calling you to do!!  I am praying fervently for you.  Thank you for stopping by and reading.  I love you guys.

Matty

I am sitting at work looking at “all” the snow still left on the ground here in Nashville and I am being moved greatly by the fact that He loves me.  That He cherishes me.  That His understanding knows no end.  That His grace is enough.  That my heart is white as snow because, “God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, His merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They’re created new every morning.”(Lam. 3:22-The Message)  I am completely in awe, after all of the stupid things I’ve done, the idiotic choices that I have made, the shameful and prideful words I have said, and the disgusting sins I have committed, that, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will He harbor His anger forever; He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.  For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His love for those who fear Him; as far as the east from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.”(Ps. 103:8-12) I am so thankful today that He is slow to anger and that He is patient and compassionate.  I am thankful that He wants to be near me and that He wants to be my friend.  Listen to these words that He said, “Come now, let us reason together,” says the Lord. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though crimson, they shall be like wool.”(Isaiah 1:18) Yes please!!  Thank you God for wanting to reason with us!!  For wanting to draw us near!!

My prayer for us today is that we DO NOT hear the enemy’s lies that we are dirty and that we are not worthy to come into His presence.  That is what satan wants you and I to think, but it is so far from the truth!!  No matter what you and I have done or said or thought, we are white as the pure snow and we are His pride and joy and we are new creations. He made us that way.  I am praying that He is near each and every one of you today in a real way..in a way that you will feel His mercies envelop you, rush over you, and washing you clean.  I love you guys.

I am so glad that I came across #OneWord2011.  I had been wasting too much time thinking of resolutions and how I was going to keep them, because let’s be honest, I suck at keeping resolutions.  I had a long list of things that I wanted to accomplish this past year and didn’t come close to getting them all done, which in turn, made me feel like a failure.  So, when I read about OneWord 2011 I was so excited…one word, that is easy!! Um, wrong!!  I had a terrible time trying to narrow it down..I had discipline, commitment, dedication, truth, action…but as I was praying about what word mine would be, pursue is what I heard loudest.

Pursue by definition is, “to follow in order to overtake, capture, kill; to chase”

“to follow close upon; go with; attend”

“to proceed in accordance with”

“to practice”

“to follow”

“to continue”

Wow.  When I take those definitions and put them in the place of pursue in the verse I typed, it kinda comes alive to me in ways I haven’t seen in awhile.  I want to practice those things listed. I want to chase those things listed.  I want to follow those things listed.  I want to proceed in accordance with those things listed.  But more importantly, I want to PURSUE Him.  In the very epitome of what that word means, I want to do that and more this year. I will furiously PURSUE:

A deeper walk; A finer understanding of who He is and who I am in Him; My dreams and passions; His calling over my life; more deliberate and passionate relationships; a heart that beats with a greater love; truth; honesty; purity; discipline; holiness; wisdom; knowledge; righteousness; and peace.

Psalm 34:14-”Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.”

Proverbs 15:9-”The Lord detests the way of the wicked but He loves those who pursue righteousness.”

Proverbs 21:21-”He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor.”

What is your one word? I want to know!!  I love you guys and I am praying for you!!

As I look back and reflect on my life in 2010, I see how true this verse really is.  As with everyone, this year saw people going out and coming into my life, new life-long friendships being made and others falling away, old memories fading and new ones glowing bright with hope and promise, pain and healing, brokenness and restoration, despair and joy.  All of it a part of a greater story of purpose.  I am so glad that I don’t write my own story.  The story that I would’ve written for myself would have sucked in comparison to the one that He is writing.  Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that, but it is sinking in, I mean, really sinking in down deep into the core of the man that I am becoming.  I can see His love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, and grace in every area of my life.  I know I haven’t written in a really long time, but it is one of my resolutions to write at least one post a week in 2011.  Just wanted to wrap this year up with a short encouragement.  This is not the end.  It is only the beginning!!  He has plans for us.  He has a purpose for us.  Every single day has been written for you and me(Psalm 139:16)!!  Let’s work on seeing that together.  Sometimes we can lose sight of that fact when things don’t go the way we want or we feel lonely or sad, but let’s not lose it!!  It is my prayer for you in 2011 that He will not only speak over your lives and hearts, but that He will reveal more of Himself to you.  That He will open your eyes and hearts to the mysteries that He has for you to know!!  That He will give you favor and a new fervor to chase after Him.  In the words of Psalm 20, “May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.  May He send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion.  May He remember all your sacrifices and accept your burnt offerings.  May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.  We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.  May the Lord grant all your requests.  Now I know that the Lord saves His anointed; He answers him from His holy heaven with the saving power of His right hand.  Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  They are brought to their knees and fall, but we rise up and stand firm!!  O Lord, save the king! Answer us when we call!!” Psalm 20

I love you guys.  Be strong. Rise up and stand firm!!

I came across this verse last week and have been chewing on it ever since, trying to find out what that means to me and for me.  It is pretty self-explanatory really.  It means just what it says, that the plans and purposes of my heart and of your heart are hidden down deep but that its possible to draw them out.  So how do we draw them out?  That is what I have spent the past week trying to figure out and this is what I have come up with; ready?  We HAVE TO GO DEEP!!!!  On the surface this statement seems so simple, so juvenile, yet once I dove deeper into it(no pun intended) I realized that is hard to do.  Fear, rejection, complacency, wounds from the past, lies(both told and heard), comfort, time, busyness and thousands of other obstacles are in our way.  It is a scary thing for me to think about diving into the deepest places of my heart.  There are places that are so dark. So dirty. So shameful. So jumbled and confused that it looks like a never-ending maze.  Maybe you feel the same way, maybe you don’t, but the truth is there is something or somethings so beautiful down there as well.  For too long I have skimmed the surface, wearing board shorts and a snorkel, content with what I could see from the safety of the top(if I even made it off the shore).  But this whole time, my heart and the Father’s heart have been desperately awaiting me to put on a wetsuit and scuba gear and dive into the chasms and valleys down in the depths so that I would know everything He has!!  As I mentioned earlier, it is safe on the surface, you and I can depend on nothing but ourselves, which is fine for awhile, but to dive down into the deepest places requires help.  An oxygen tank, flippers, masks,and gloves help divers but there is also a risk of them failing and leaving us high and dry.  However, our help is from the Father.  He will never fail us.  He won’t let us drown.  All we have to do is take the plunge and we will find Him and His purposes for our hearts!!  Listen to these verses that are full of His promises that we will be safe and that we will find Him.

Psalm 57:2-”I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills His purpose for me.”

Proverbs 8:17-”I love those who love Me, and those who seek Me find Me.”

Psalm 25:14-”The Lord confides in those who fear Him; He makes His covenant known to them.”

1 Corinthians 2:9-10-”However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him,” but God has revealed it to us by His Spirit.  The Spirit searches all things, even the DEEP things of God.”  How we have missed this second part of this verse I have no idea, but it is so powerful!!  He wants to confide is us and let us in on His secrets!!

Another verse that we have only scratched the surface of is this:

Jeremiah 29:10-14a-”..”I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and FIND ME when you seek Me with all your heart.  I WILL BE FOUND BY YOU,” declares the Lord.” How awesome is that?!?

Psalm 42:7-”Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls; all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.”

Do you see it?!?  The Father is longing to show Himself real in our hearts, to help us search and find not only what He has for us, but Himself!!!!!!  But, as it says in the last verse, deep calls to deep.  Deep won’t call to shallow..it can’t, and shallow can’t call to deep.  We have to go there.  I am going there.  I am diving in and I am praying that you will too.  I am praying that when you let go and step out of comfort and fight through pain and wounds and lies and whatever else stands in your way, and learn to breathe with Him and search the deep waters that you will be blown away at what your heart was created for!!!!  I love you guys.

Lying on the night beneath the dunes is where I lie to block the sun

Trying to ignite some sort of passion from inside to overcome

This feeling of desertion can’t be worse than never having anyone.” Relient K “Sahara”

Wow..how many of us have been there?!? I would venture to guess every single one of us at some point or another have been in this place.  I have been there the past little while.  I have some very close friends both on-line and in the flesh who have shared their experiences in this place with me over the past couple of months.  It sucks.  It is lonely.  It is hot and dry.  It is scary.  It is haunting and desperate.  It is draining.  It makes you want to die.  It is HOLY.  It is the place called the wilderness.

I really wish that I could tell you that I have accepted being in the wilderness the whole time, but I can’t.  I wish that I could tell you that I have not tried to go back to where I was before the wilderness, but I can’t.  I wish that I could say that I trusted the Lord the whole time while I have been here, but I can’t.  I have held bitterness’ hand like a friend.  I have pounded on the doors of where I left until I was bloody and weak.  I have walked around the past completely lost looking for a way back in.  That’s what the Israelites did when they were led into the wilderness.  They knew that they were being led to the Promised Land but forgot about it when they faced a little adversity.  The Lord was providing for them with mana but they complained and wanted to turn back.  Truth was, back in their old lives they were slaves and baked bricks and ate onions.  They remembered their “comfort” of knowing what was going on.  They were blind.  I don’t want to be blind.  I don’t want to bake bricks.  I don’t want to be a slave.  I love onion rings, but I don’t want to eat wild onions.

I wish that I had all the answers for you as to why the Lord leads us into the desert or the wilderness; but, I don’t.  All I can share with you is what He has been teaching me here and what He has tried to teach me when He has led me here in the past.  The first thing is that there is no way under, over, or around the wilderness.  The only way is straight through.  There are times of disillusionment, times of wandering, times of despair, times of tears, times of anger, times of confusion, times of nightmares, but as we make our across the vast expanse and over the tops of the dunes and the bottoms of the canyons, we are slowly and deliberately being shaped and formed in our hearts like the sand in the wind.  One day, like today has been for me, we will be able to see the outline of the Promised Land on the horizon.  It is there, waiting for us with open arms!!!!  And when we reach it, we will be able to look back on what we went through and know that we will never be the same again.  I don’t want to be the same as I have been.  I want to be new.  I want to be stripped of what I don’t need and what doesn’t glorify my Father.  I want to fall on my face and thank Him for His provision.  Which leads me to my second thing.  He is sufficient for what we need.  He knows us(1 John 3:20).  He MADE us(Psalm 139).  Psalm 119:50 says, “My comfort in my suffering is this; Your promise preserves my life.”  He is the God of promises(Psalm 145:13).  He says that He is sufficient(2 Corinthians 12:9).  He says He will provide(1 Kings 17 and 18).  He says that He is the lifter of our heads(Psalm 145:14).  He says He will keep us safe(Psalm 91).

I don’t know where all of you are on your journey.  I don’t know if you are beginning your walk through the wilderness or if you have made it through and are now celebrating.  I don’t know if you are smack in the middle of it.  I do know that it is worth it though.  I do know that He won’t leave your side.  He never sleeps.  He is constantly there.  When it looks like the vultures are circling overhead waiting for you to die, it just may be ravens coming to feed you like God sent to Elijah.  Hold on.  I am praying for you.  Even if I don’t know you, I promise I am praying for you.  Keep going.  The Promised Land may be just over the next valley.

“The Lord will keep you from all harm-He will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.” Psalm 121:7-8

I believe that God speaks to us in a vast array of ways.  One of the main ways that He speaks to me is through movies..I know it may sound weird but its true.  One of my all-time favorite movies is Kingdom of Heaven with Orlando Bloom and Liam Neeson, which is an awesome story of love, redemption, deception, but most of all the taking of one’s rightful place in the kingdom.  All men dream of this sort of thing…adventure, daring, conquest, and rescuing the beauty.  However, there is one scene in the movie that depicts what has to happen before the place can be taken…a passage of rites if you will.

Neeson’s character in the movie is a baron, a knight, and a protector of the king of Jerusalem.  In an attempt to protect the king and his son from a group trying to overthrow the kingdom, Baron Godfrey is wounded badly and ends up dying from the wounds..this is not a spoiler..the movie was made 5 years ago…anyways, before Godfrey dies, he calls Balian, his son,(Bloom) into the room and tells him to kneel.  He then proceeds to pull out his sword and knight Balian and has him repeat an oath to protect the king, love the people, and serve unswervingly.  After the oath was taken, Godfrey slaps his son across the face and says its so that he will remember the words he just spoke.

Last week, I was reading 1 Peter and came across the verse that I shared at the top.  It brought that scene back into my mind and I felt like I was being knighted before my King.  What an awesome picture of what we are called to do!!  I don’t know if the past month has been the slap in the face so that I will remember what I am about to say, but it very well could be.  From this day forward, I will live as a knight of the King, a warrior for His kingdom.  I want a battle to fight, an adventure to take, a family to take care of, and a cause to defend. And I will fight, and take care of, and defend to the death.  I will love people more furiously, serve God more passionately, and honor my King more devotedly than ever before and I want these things for you too!!  It is my prayer over your life that you will feel God speak these words over your heart and that you will walk as knights of the Kingdom of Heaven.  It will be lonely.  It will be frustrating.  It will be challenging.  But what an honor to be called a knight of the Most High.  I want to walk into this place with you.  I want to lead you into this place, this awesome and frightening responsibility.  I want to fight by your side and you by mine.  Let yourself ponder these words.  When we look at our lives like this, it becomes painfully clear that somehow, someway, some of us have missed that this is what we are called to!!  But now there is no excuse.  Let’s be mighty men and women of the kingdom!!  I love you guys.

“Live as free men, but do not use your freedom as a cover-up for evil; live as servants of God.  Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the King.”  1 Peter 2:16

Matty

First of all, there has been prayer…lots of it.  Even though I have no idea what to pray for except for healing and peace, just being able to wrestle with the Father has been a very rewarding experience.  A very humbling, revealing, pride breaking, idea shattering, opinion tearing, future altering, wound healing, rewarding experience.  It really is not very fun to let Him in to the deep, dark, hidden places.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s shifting.  But you know what?  He already knows them.  He sees them.  He LOVES them.  He LOVES the dark places inside of us.  He made us.  He created us all differently but He loves us the same.  And that love is greater than anything we can do, wider than anywhere we can go.  I am amazed at how wide and deep it really is.  I have a new found appreciation for what that really means.  I have a new found fervor to dive deeper, to search further, to investigate more closely into that mystery.

The second thing that I have clung to is scripture.  I have found new verses and rediscovered old ones that have spoken directly into this situation and to me on a level that I haven’t known in awhile.  I would love to share a few of these passages.  The first deals with what I mentioned earlier about not knowing what to pray for.  It says in Romans 8:26, “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we are to pray for, but the Spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.”  What a moving mental image!!  He knows what we are going through, what we want, what we need before we even ask and He is laying before God groaning for us.  There are no words to express the sounds that are coming from inside His heart for us as He feels what we feel, thinks what we think, hurts how we hurt.  The second verse that has spoken to me is found in Psalm 71:20-21.  It says this, “Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up.  You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.”  The God of all promises, the One we can depend on, that we can lean into, says that He will comfort us.  He is a refuge, a strong tower from all of the things that we face.  It doesn’t mean that won’t face them, or that our lives will not be introduced to strife, to sadness, to trouble, but that we can turn to Him and He will protect us and comfort us.  There are tons more but I want to be able to share a couple of other things before this post gets horridly long.

Our God is big enough to handle us being mad at Him.  Big enough to handle the fits, the anger, the sadness, the questions, the doubts.  Faith is not faith without doubts, without questions.  It wouldn’t be faith.  Faith can’t be forced.  Trust has to be earned, and He is patient enough with us to allow us the grace to figure out what that looks like to each of us and for us to understand that He will not let us down.  Thank you Father for that!!  He is also big enough and loves us enough to pull us out of situations that aren’t what He has for us, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it will hurt, no matter how it may look.  He knows what He is doing.  I have to trust that.  I have to.

On the other hand, which is where the not knowing what to pray for comes into play, I believe He is big enough to heal the deepest hurt, the most painful wounds, the most hopeless situations.  I know He knows our deepest desires, our highest hopes.  I have seen Him heal marriages and resurrect dreams.  I believe without a shadow of a doubt that He can bring the shattered back to whole, the empty back to full.  I know He is working in my heart and putting things back together that were in disarray way before this situation even happened and I am praying He is doing the same for her in this time apart no matter temporary or permanent.

Lord, thank you for Your interest in every area of my heart.  Thank you for chasing me, for not giving up on me, for being faithful even when I am not.  Thank You for Your plans, Your desires for me.  Thank you for knowing what You are doing.  I trust You.  I have to.  Thank You for being big enough for me to scream at, to cry and cuss at, to be mad at.  I surrender myself, my dreams, my plans, my aspirations to You.  Please continue to heal.  Please continue to work and move and comfort.  I love you.

I am praying for you these same things.  Thank you again for reading.  Blessings.

Matty